i am not going to do it.

to think about it, i’ve always had the thought to kill myself throughout my life but i just didn’t have the guts to do so. when i was younger, it was mostly longing to get into accidents so bad, become addicted to drugs so i could mentally exit the reality or catching a disease and die from it.

now that i’m older, it’s beginning to feel like a looming darkness in the background, the cloud of emptiness and monotonous that i can’t seem to get rid of it. sometimes i stare too long at the knife, sometimes i wonder what it felt like to jump off from a 10 story apartment, sometimes i wonder what it felt like to have a gun with only one bullet for myself. fast and painless. i want it that way.

but do not worry, i know i won’t do it. i still don’t have the guts and i am a coward selfish human being so  i’m just going to keep living another day. and also because of my family, i don’t want to hurt them.

love always.