die die die die

i want to be a good daughter to my parents, i want to be the best sister to my siblings. but i just cannot do it because i cannot control my emotions. my words hurt people. i am the one to blame. indeed, the world is better of without me.

you are going to be alright.

love always.

medschool.

by the time i post again, i would be in medschool. honestly i was so shocked with my UPU result. i was hoping to get into medical laboratory technology again but oh wow wow who could've think of this. i am currently shitting myself as i am doubting myself whether i can do this whole medicine journey or not.

i know nobody gives a shit but in case you stumbled upon this and a lil curious. i was a diploma student, i am 21, medschool is 5 years so insyaAllah i'll be graduating when i am 26. fun :) here's my journey:

SPM > Diploma in Medical Laboratory Technology > MBBS UiTM

yes, you can pursue medicine if you are taking diploma but only in UiTM, last time i checked. and only those who take specific courses can do it. can check in the syarat kelayakan. 

how i feel? 

it was a childhood dream come true. emphasis on the childhood. because growing up, i don't recall wanting to become a doctor. hahahhaha maybe because i already got the bitter taste during diploma. throughout my whole diploma, my friends has been telling me to do medicine as my result is good enough but i've always been like 'no, never, not for me' hahaha, it's true that the thing we hate the most is what we will get lol. so, i'm quite nervous but i am still anticipating it. alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. this is what best for me, insyaAllah. He is the best planner, after all. please make a lot of duas for me, frens.

hmm, there's not really much to say now. i haven't even register yet so this is it, i guess. another turning point in my life. here's to me becoming a human bean that provides for the people :-)

till then.

i am not going to do it.

to think about it, i’ve always had the thought to kill myself throughout my life but i just didn’t have the guts to do so. when i was younger, it was mostly longing to get into accidents so bad, become addicted to drugs so i could mentally exit the reality or catching a disease and die from it.

now that i’m older, it’s beginning to feel like a looming darkness in the background, the cloud of emptiness and monotonous that i can’t seem to get rid of it. sometimes i stare too long at the knife, sometimes i wonder what it felt like to jump off from a 10 story apartment, sometimes i wonder what it felt like to have a gun with only one bullet for myself. fast and painless. i want it that way.

but do not worry, i know i won’t do it. i still don’t have the guts and i am a coward selfish human being so  i’m just going to keep living another day. and also because of my family, i don’t want to hurt them.

love always.

sad.

this sadness that i have been feeling does not go away, and i think i’ve come to a term where i accept it as a part of me. i’ve accepted that happiness is just a fleeting moment, it doesn’t stay.

you know how people have their ‘bad day’ of the week or like month? well mine was like living in the darkness for so long that i only get to spend few days of ‘good days’. fuck, i’m so bad at describing this but jesus do i want to die.

a start.

It’s currently 2 am as I am writing this and my head is kinda fuzzy, I haven’t sleep since yesterday. Have no idea what I’m going to write. It has been too long since I last wrote a blog post. Back in 2014, I was an avid blogger. I would create posts every single day writing on silly things. Books I’ve read, school routine or just a simple story time. Back then, I had so many online friends, kinda miss them now, I don’t know where did they went. I dealt with blogs coding, from blog tutorials. I did some photoshop here and there. I really did love blogging back then. Then the interest started to fade as I’m entering the boarding school. You know how it goes right. Then I just never did go back to writing anymore. I lose interest in everything I used to love.

So, what’s up? I am going to be 21 this year, graduated from a diploma. Currently working a full-time job. Life is going steady, a little bumps here and there but I’ll manage. Right? 

There’s like nothing to look forward to in this blog. Don’t really know where I’m heading in term of my contents. Probably just extremely random things. Probably just keeping this as an online journal. This is actually a suggestion from my good friend, Bob who has like a poem blog, kinda. Not sure if I could share it here, though. 

Just this for today, a lil introduction to anyone who’s reading. Good night, assalammualaikum.