i am not going to do it.

to think about it, i’ve always had the thought to kill myself throughout my life but i just didn’t have the guts to do so. when i was younger, it was mostly longing to get into accidents so bad, become addicted to drugs so i could mentally exit the reality or catching a disease and die from it.

now that i’m older, it’s beginning to feel like a looming darkness in the background, the cloud of emptiness and monotonous that i can’t seem to get rid of it. sometimes i stare too long at the knife, sometimes i wonder what it felt like to jump off from a 10 story apartment, sometimes i wonder what it felt like to have a gun with only one bullet for myself. fast and painless. i want it that way.

but do not worry, i know i won’t do it. i still don’t have the guts and i am a coward selfish human being so  i’m just going to keep living another day. and also because of my family, i don’t want to hurt them.

love always.

sad.

this sadness that i have been feeling does not go away, and i think i’ve come to a term where i accept it as a part of me. i’ve accepted that happiness is just a fleeting moment, it doesn’t stay.

you know how people have their ‘bad day’ of the week or like month? well mine was like living in the darkness for so long that i only get to spend few days of ‘good days’. fuck, i’m so bad at describing this but jesus do i want to die.